I want to turn my life into a line of poetry written with a splash of blood but I also want to learn Greek and Latin and build a beautiful library

I have no money but I want to SAVE THE WEST because I consumed too much internet propaganda

I am a nobody from nowhere. I get tight in the chest when I think about the future. I don’t want to become a drone. I have a perfect wife that loves me and who I love, and I still want to go and die in some war.

I lived like a hermit in a small room with books and the internet as my companions for many years. This led to a discovery and love of weightlifting so maybe there was something to being a NEET incel. Things flow from their opposites.

I consumed too much internet propaganda so now I can’t fit in to “normal” society but people in “normal” society are cowards and liars who obey whatever POWER commands because they are psychopathic slaves. It is hard to get angry at them because being a slave is what they were raised for. The highest moral command that anybody instilled in them was to “be nice.” How can you blame them for not standing up against oversocialization? They wouldn’t have oversocialized five entire generations into becoming cattle that can only digest cultural slop if it didn’t work.

I can’t blame the internet for ruining me because I read lots of old books and they all told me the same thing. I think about Winston Churchill’s memoirs about fighting in Afghanistan and Sudan and South Africa when I listen to the tenth million iteration of a progressive-leftist-liberal talk about diversity and social justice. Alexander used to be the tip of the spear in the cavalry charges he led in person.

I should read Plutarch in Greek. I should read Xenophon in Greek. I should learn Latin so I can read Horace and Sallust. I should know Homer and Tacitus like the back of my hand. It’s really, really difficult to learn Greek and Latin but I waste most of my time on nothing anyway.

In a totalitarian regime, everybody is complicit. If you were a real dissident, you would be in prison, and you would make a literary career from your imprisonment by the authorities for daring to not comply with their procedural rules of tyrannical bureaucracy and dedicate your life to bring down the ruling class, as Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn did. I know that vanity and narcissism are the order of the day because even people who gathered enough courage to condemn their times and their society as evil want to be handed victory on a silver plate. Their idea of fairness is striking at others who cannot strike at them back. They are aping their abusers in their fantasies.

Making a stand is painful. That why it is called: “making a stand.” Yet, in justice and truth, throwing your life away for no good purpose is wrong. Growing old without having done something worthwhile is also wrong. Everything is so uncertain and doubtful these days, that I can’t deny the practical wisdom of not putting a target behind one’s back. But everything good that happened to me, happened because as imperfect as I was and am, and as inopportune as the circumstances were and are, I put my foot down on what I understood as right, and resolved to cling on to that position. What pain and what joy is to dare to put up a challenge.

Even in the very best instances of war the participants are working as hard as they can to bring an end to it. Nothing absolves anyone from their duty to figuring out the art of how to conduct your life, how to muddle through. These words “courage” and “honor” ring out so fine but embodying them, incarnating them seems impossible without a gift from the unknown god.

Maybe one day I will find myself in a country estate, printing and binding books beautifully in order to preserve these artifacts of culture and civilization that afflict you like a severe illness because they persuaded you that there was more to life than animal life, and I will be raising my eugenic children and strengthening their bodies and minds so that they may be better than I was. Maybe I will find myself surrounded by good friends who I help and who help me in leading upright lives full of integrity. How this will happen, only the unknown god knows.